Every time I see a picture of a really attractive person on Tumblr I think, I should start working out so I can look like that, but then I order a pizza and sit in my bedroom blogging instead.
I wonder if I mean something to people.
I wonder if I inspire them.
I wonder if I make their day.
I wonder if people would feel like something is missing in their life if I’d never been born.
I wonder if people ever think about how I feel.
I wonder if people ever think about how it would be to kiss me.
I wonder if everyone hates me, but they act like they love me.
I wonder if people think I’m hilarious or obnoxious.
I wonder if people think I’m ugly or attractive.
I wonder if anyone ever looks at me and thinks “I just want to be more like that guy.”
I wonder if I’m pivotal, if I’m important, if I’m wanted.
I wonder if others see me as intelligent or as an idiot who thinks he’s intelligent.
I wonder if people talk about me behind my back.
I wonder if people enjoy my company.
I wonder if I’m the best at something.
I wonder if people think positive or negative things about me when they see me.
I wonder if anyone cares.
I wonder if I’m worth wondering about.
I’m vacationing right now in Oklahoma City, OK. I drove out to visit some friends and I’m staying at their house. It’s nice being here. It’s nice interacting with people on a social level. It’s nice just to be around others I’m not either managing or assisting at work, or living with in my apartment. Laughing, joking, entertaining their 10-month-old daughter, talking about life, watching “Parks and Recreation,” and eating brownies. Makes me think about…everything.
I’m not great at relationships. I’m not just talking about romantic relationships; I’m talking about relationships with people in general. Relationships, they confuse me and I don’t understand how they work. I talk to people. They talk to me. We interact. I make them laugh. I help them. I listen and talk. And then people make me laugh, help me, and listen and talk. That’s how it works.
I have relationships with people, but that’s all I am capable of cultivating. I don’t know how to be friends with people because I don’t get how friendship works. I have relationships with people, but there’s nothing else. There’s no sense of closeness or intimacy, no sense of friendship. I feel as if I’m surrounded by people all the time, but I’m always alone.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately…and I’m okay with it. Before now, I could never understand what I had with other people. People just existed in the same dimension as I did. But that’s okay. I’ve spent my life searching for something, something more, and I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember because I’ve always been alone, alone according to the definition of alone which has been placed in me by the world. But I was depressed because I didn’t realize that being alone isn’t bad. I don’t need to have friends in order to thrive.
I never spend time with people because I don’t see the point. What’s the purpose? Why is doing something with another person “better” than doing it alone? Being apart from everyone is actually kind of nice. I’m at a distance from the world where I’m comfortable. I don’t have to deal with drama or pretend to care about things I don’t actually care about.
It’s just me. My brain, my consciousness, my thoughts, my ideas, my life. No other variables. It’s a simple equation. No need to complicate it by muddying it up with another’s brain/consciousness/thoughts/ideas/life. It is what it is.
I’m “alone.” But I’m not alone. And I’m okay with that, even if no one else understands it.
8 months ago
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