I thought at first that she was just dead. Just darkness. Just a body being eaten by bugs. I thought about her a lot like that, as something’s meal. What was her–green eyes, half a smirk, the soft curves of her legs–would soon be nothing, just the bones I never saw. I thought about the slow process of becoming bone and then fossil and then coal that will, in millions of years, be mined by humans of the future, and how they would heat their homes with her, and then she would be smoke billowing out of a smokestack, coating the atmosphere. I still think that, sometimes, think that maybe “the afterlife” is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable.
If I flunk out of college, it won’t be because I was too stupid or because I worked a full-time job or I was too busy and couldn’t find time to do the work; it’ll be because I really just didn’t give a fuck.
Since our inception, humans have tried to come up with some sort of conclusive explanation for life. What is existence? Why are we here? What is our purpose? Hundreds of thousands of belief systems and religions and scientific studies later…and we still don’t know with any bit of certainty.
But…what if there are no answers? What if existence is just existence? What if we’re here just to be here? What if there is no purpose, other than to find purpose?
I think everyone should be born really ugly, and then their body should go through a transformation like caterpillars do, but only after their inside becomes truly beautiful. That way no one would ever be beautiful on the outside, yet hideous on the inside. We’d have to work for perfection.
From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again…I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you…I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me.
—Anakin Skywalker, Star Wars: Episode II-“Attack of the Clones”
Hello! I haven’t really blogged in a very long time, so this text post will serve as a recap of what has happened in my life over the past couple of months. Undoubtedly more of the things I write in here will be recent events, as, unless they occurred within the last couple of weeks, I only remember things for long periods of time if they are important to me.
Trying to go back as far as I can remember in regards to “big” events…the first thing that comes to mind is: I got a new car! This was about two and a half months ago. Ish. I traded in my 2002 Volkswagen Jetta for a 2009 Nissan Cube. My credit is magnificent for someone my age, so I was able to qualify for a loan on my own (without a cosigner) and my payments are $200/month. I love this new car. Feels like I’m flying a space-ship when I’m driving down the freeway.
I was prescribed a new acne medication that works so well, it almost makes me think I never had acne problems to begin with. Sulfamethoxazole. It’s very inexpensive when you purchase the generic prescription and I haven’t stumbled across any negative side-effects. Minocycline was a tad more expensive and worked great, but I always felt sick to my stomach when I was on it and it made me vomit if I didn’t eat within a few minutes before or after taking it. After I was forced off my parent’s health insurance I had to downgrade to a less effective sister-drug of minocycline, doxycycline, which didn’t really do a whole lot for my acne. It did help a little bit, but the negative effects on my body made taking it not worth it. Basically it made my incessantly hungry. No matter how much I ate, my stomach was always twisted in knots from the false sense of hunger the prescription created. I went to bed hungry, woke up hungry, and was hungry the whole day. Regardless, I continued to take the doxycycline for a good eight months, at least…it was terrible. Finally, I went to Care Now and had the doctor prescribe me something else. He suggested sulfamethoxazole. I’ve been taking it for about six months, I’m very pleased with the results. The only time I ever have acne problems is when I don’t plan well and run out of my prescription (which I did last week and haven’t had any for a good five days now…). Other than that, my acne is pretty much nonexistent. Yay for drugs!
For the past few months I’ve been eating very healthily. Since I began this new lifestyle, nothing but good has come of it. I feel great. My body is running almost perfectly. I have more energy and sleep better. Although weight loss wasn’t really the reason I decided to start eating healthily, it’s definitely been an added perk, as I’ve lost the majority of the “spare tire” that I used to have around my waist. It’s kind of amazing to think that my entire new healthy lifestyle spawned because of…BEETS. One of my employees was talking to me one day about eating beets and I started questioning him about what he eats. I’d never eaten beets before, that I could remember. Growing up, my family didn’t really eat a wide variety of foods. Staple meals at my house included: 1. Spaghetti, 2. Macaroni, 3. Tex-Mex Stew (Something my mom created one day when we didn’t really have anything else to eat so she just threw a bunch of canned goods and seasonings into a pot and it ended up tasting really good. Now that I think about it, Tex-Mex stew is actually a pretty wholesome meal.), 4. Lemon pepper chicken with some rice (also not bad…) 5. Tacos with spanish rice (not terrible either…), just to name a few of the regular ones. However, these are all basically just meals with a lot of meat/beans and grains. What I lacked were the things that were very good for my body, such as fruits and veggies. Usually we had fruits and veggies in the house, but most of the time the veggies sat in cans in the pantry for months on end and the fruits ended up going bad because there was always something “better” to eat. But I digress. Back to beets! Yes, I was talking to one of my employees about beets and was trying to get him to describe was a beet was. I became very interested in his diet (not meaning “weight loss regimen” here; meaning “regular food intake”) and started looking into healthy eating and discovered that, although I ate on a regular basis, I was essentially what is classified as “malnourished.” So began the healthy eating. I didn’t really base my diet off of anyone else’s; I just sort of did my own thing and based my new, healthy diet on what I’d read that healthcare professionals say I’m supposed to eat. But even more than that, I began eating the way the human body was meant to eat. Essentially, my diet consists of everything “cave men” ate way back in the Paleolithic Era: mostly vegetables, fruits, nuts, etc., with a serving of meat here and there (for when the hunters brought back an animal they had managed to kill and the “tribe” would feast on it). It’s been working very well for me. I did have a few terrible headaches in the beginning while my body was detoxing, but other than that, everything has been great. I stay away from processed foods and things that my body wasn’t meant to eat. I try to avoid complex sugars (including high fructose corn syrup…SERIOUSLY, GUYS. THE HUMAN BODY IS NOT CAPABLE OF SUCCESSFULLY BREAKING DOWN THAT MUCH CORN.), I never put salt on anything (High sodium diets are terrible for the human body.), I generally refuse to eat fast-food, and I eat a wide variety of foods (You know what they say: variety is the spice of life!). I’ve already talked to him about his influence on my health, but I would like to thank Colin Holmes for pushing me in this direction, even if that wasn’t ever his intention. Thank you, Colin.
I really wish I was able to run like I used to. I love running so much, but the past three times I’ve gone running my knee has dislocated. To be honest, I’ve lost count of how many times it’s dislocated, but I do know that it’s a lot. It used to only happen every once in a while when I went running, but now that it’s been happening every single time I go for a run, I’ve stopped my cardio completely. It makes me sad, but the pain of a knee dislocation is not something I prefer to willingly subject myself to.
It’s been almost a year since I was promoted to Assistant Manager at Cinemark. I’ve come a long way. I get along with pretty much everybody and I don’t really think that anyone there legitimately hates me. I love all of the kids I work with. The environment at this theater is so much more pleasant than at the other two theatres I’ve worked at. Although there is still drama (of course…), I don’t feel that it has that much of a negative impact on the work environment. Over the past nine months I’ve slowly been accruing more and more responsibility. Sometimes I get stressed out, but I am always able to keep a cool head about things and I don’t think there’s ever been an instance in which I haven’t gotten something important done on time. People laugh at it, but I love working for Cinemark. I’ve never really been good at a whole lot of things, so I always try to stick with what I’m good at. Working for Cinemark is something I’m good at. I really do put my all into my job. I try really hard to be the perfect manager. But sometimes I feel like all of my efforts are in vain. I wonder if anyone notices how much I do. I’m by no means perfect, but I try to be. I follow all of the rules, hold my employees accountable, and complete everything I’m supposed to more-or-less on time. I go above and beyond what my job requires, and I do it without being an asshole. I think I’m a good investment. But I get frustrated because no one ever really tells me I’m doing a good job. I try so hard, but the only time I’m really ever talked to is when I do something wrong. I just want to know I don’t totally suck, you know? Blah.
Onto brighter things…I just finished my fourth semester at Collin (including the 9-credit-hours I took during the summer of 2011) and I think I did well in all of my classes. I decided not to take any courses this summer because I really need a break. It’s not that I don’t have enough time or energy to both work full-time and go to school full-time…I just lack the motivation to do well at both. So I’m taking this summer off to just work. It will be nice to not have to worry about classes and homework and projects for two or three months.
Since the semester is over I decided to cash in on some paid-time-off to drive up to Arkansas to visit my dad (He’s been bugging me for a really long time now to come visit him, but my schedule has been so wonky it hasn’t been possible until now.). I’ve been up here since last Friday and I will be leaving tomorrow. It wasn’t a very long stay, but I had fun. I’ll be glad to get back home, though. I got to visit with my grandparents and meet my dad’s new girlfriend. I also used some of the time out here to revamp my work wardrobe. Went to a bunch of secondhand stores and got a few new ties and some nice shirts. I’ve also been searching for a new suit for the past few weeks because mine have been slowly dying (and one of them ripped the other day…) and I found one out here at a resale shop that sold formal wear (complete with wedding dresses, prom dresses, suits, and tuxedos) for only $40. It’s really nice and already almost fits me perfectly. I’ll still have to get it tailored though. Make sure I look as fantastic as I possibly can, of course. :)
I know I’m a bit behind the game, but I just finished book two of The Hunger Games trilogy. Actually, I was initially AHEAD of the game because I read the first of the books a year and a half ago. The first one was marvelous; I just never picked up the other two. I can’t really tell you why. Anyways, I just finished reading the second book, and I have to say…I’m very disappointed. The storyline is still great. However…Suzanne Collins really isn’t all that great of a writer. Her sentence structure and the way she writes are both a tad below par. Furthermore, the last few chapters of the book seemed EXTREMELY rushed, as if she was nearing her deadline and had to squish everything she wanted to write into the final chapters. I often felt very stressed and confused because of how quickly the end of the book was progressing in comparison to the beginning of the book. The ending felt more like a quick summary of the ending instead of THE ACTUAL ENDING. I really hope the last book is better. Don’t disappoint me, Ms. Collins!
I don’t really know what else there is to say at this point. I just didn’t want to end this text post on the number 9. I don’t like the number 9.