Dr. Awkward

barackfuckingobama:

I bet Spiderman left New York City for a day trip and when he came back, he saw the catastrophic aftermath of The Avengers and he was like

“I WAS GONE FOR ONE DAY. ONE DAY.” 

I can’t remember the last time we talked. This is my fault. I ostracized you from my life because I needed some time away from you. Please understand that in no way did you do anything wrong. This decision was entirely mine and did not come about because of something you did. I needed time away from you because thinking of you made me hate myself. You always made it a point to try to help me love myself, ergo I considered my hatred of myself as something of a disgrace. To you.

I’m not going to apologize again. The quantity of times that I’ve told you how sorry I am is nothing short of pathetic. If I were a fan of clichés, “beating a dead horse” would be the cliché most closely pertaining to my reasoning behind not wanting to apologize again.

However, I need to say a few things. I need to explain to you why I can’t help but hate myself every time I think about you.

I feel the need to preface this by saying that I am, completely and totally, over you. I don’t want you to take that the wrong way, but I believe it’s necessary for you to know that I have no desire to attempt to rekindle our old relationship. That ship has long since left the harbor.

I want to explain my feelings using a metaphor. Of death. I’m sure you’ve heard stories, seen movies, read books, and watched TV shows about people who lose one of their family members or “loved ones” and feel responsible for the dead family member/”loved one.” And no matter what other people say to them, trying to convince them that they are not the person responsible for the person’s death, they still are unable to make amends with the fact that maybe…THINGS JUST HAPPEN THAT ARE OUT OF THEIR CONTROL.

This is how I have felt since us. No matter how many times I apologize, no matter how many times I talk to you, no matter how much time passes, I still can’t help but think that I hurt you so bad when I left that you’ll never be the same again. Even typing this, it sounds silly. But that is how I feel.

I feel like

     I crushed your heart and soul,

     I broke you beyond repair,

     I destroyed what was left of your trust in people,

     I extinguished your fire and passion for life…

and

     now you’ll never be able to love wholeheartedly again.

I’ve never allowed myself to accept the fact that I feel this way. So I erased you from my life. I got rid of everything that reminded me of you. I backspaced you.

Because I hate myself for killing your spirit. And I can’t come to terms with the fact that you might not ever be the same because of me.

The only thing I can do now is live with this regret and hope that you will be okay in the end. I’m not going to avoid you anymore. It’s time for me to face the one thing that I can’t make peace with.

This is me facing it.

Hello. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you can love again. And I hope you know that none of this was your fault.

-Kalin