The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I, or the others crazy?– Albert Einstein
Her: You sound like spam.
Me: I get that a lot.
There are times when one just needs to cry; times when screaming into a pillow, throwing punches, or eating a gallon of cookies ‘n cream just isn’t enough. So we watch a sappy movie, take a shower with the water on too hot, go to bed early and wait for the tears to come. We sit on the couch and watch “The Notebook” and patiently await the sweet tragic ending and cry...
Her: So my friends hecka liked you :)
Me: It was the sexy popcorn. Works every time.
I’m still evolving. I’m not a finished product. I have this thing...– Fatima Esmail
The Cremation of Sam McGee
There are strange things done ‘neath the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold. The arctic trails have their secret tales That would make your blood run cold. The northern lights have seen queer sights But the queerest they ever did see, Was that night on the marge of Lake LeBarge When I cremated Sam McGee. Now Sam McGee was from Tenessee Where the cotton blooms and blows. Why he left...
Munchausen by Proxy
Don’t call me past eleven PM. It won’t happen again. It happened once, it happened twice, it happened three times, maybe four times, maybe five times, maybe, maybe happened six times, but it won’t happen seven times, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I’m not your late-night booty call. Don’t call me past eleven PM, it won’t happen again. You can call me...
Letter to SAMSUNG
Dear SAMSUNG, Plain and simple: You suck and I hate you, liars. Elaborate and complicated: I bought my new phone the day it came out. I have to say, you guys did a fantastic job advertising and marketing the Samsung Galaxy S devices. I was the first person in the T-Mobile store the day it released. I was so excited. I forked out my $500 and got a smart-phone in return. The phone was loaded with...
Me: Trying to go to the bathroom with sleep medication kicking in is so difficult.
Him: I just had a vision where you woke up by the toilet covered in poop and toilet paper.
Me: Not too far off. Except I somehow managed to make it to the floor right outside the bathroom. Skill.
Concrete Evidence that Men are Idiots
She liked me when I was short fat and pimply. Then I told her I didn’t want her.
10 Things I Hate About You
“I hate the way you talk to me And the way you cut your hair I hate the way you drive my car I hate it when you stare I hate your big dumb combat boots And the way you read my mind I hate you so much that it makes me sick It even makes me ryhme I hate the way you’re always right I hate it when you lie I hate it when you make me laugh Even worse when you make me...
You can’t hide what’s in your heart.– John Coffey, The Green Mile